FBI

...dream blur...

I'm on a big bus, we're starting to move, slowly. We pass by other buses and everyone seems to be staring at us, looking for something. People outside looking in. The bus turns around after a while and we go along the same road, same thing, people looking in. Then I know: they're looking for someone. At one point little dogs, of the dachshund breed, start running towards the bus, sniffing, barking. They bark at where I'm sitting.

A very attractive FBI agent is asking me questions. He knows I'm a good person, I'm not the one they're looking for, but nevertheless has to frisk me. He only does one leg. I'm sitting down with my left leg up high. I'm wearing sweats. He lets his hands slide along my leg, feeling if I'm hiding something underneath my sweats. Obviously I'm not.

We talk about how you know when you're looking at someone you can see in their eyes if they're good or bad. And that's why he must have known I'm a good person. But he says it's not true. Even the most innocent looking people can be guilty of a bad conscience and do bad things.

We ride in his car, he takes me home. His home. We enter a parking garage, it's full of people cutting weed. Do they know he's FBI? Does he allow them? Condone it?

...dream blur...

New Year's party on a rooftop. Trying to show my parents the fireworks. Then I see him and his friends. I walk towards him and he's mean to me. 'Who the hell are you?' I thought we had connected, we had something going on, but now he's acting as if we've never met. And being convincing at it. His friends say it's a fase. He'll turn around. I don't know if I want him to. What an asshole. Tough, attractive FBI turns into a mean asshole.

Freaking out

Last night I went on a plane to cross the Atlantic. (In real life I'm claustrofobic.) I started being nervous at the airport. Started breathing fast when we came closer. Started hyperventilating and actually freaked out when I had to go into a tunnel toward the plane. Started screaming and fighting and there was no way I was calming down. I ended up on the plane anyway. Small plane I remember. Then we got off, because I couldn't stay. I went home with one of the stewardesses. She told me the plane was late. It was going to stand there for a couple of hours.

Also dreamed about my second serious boyfriend of three years. He was nagging me, being a drag. Did not like seeing him.

Soft kisses

Had a date with a guy I once saw on a Spanish television dating show. He was gorgeous and our kisses soft. There was water in the background, like a small river.

Swimming

The title isn't correct, but another one with 'ex' in it?? This time another one, the last one I had in my former life in the country I grew up in. He was sitting outside on the steps. I could see him from the inside where I was, I don't remember with whom. I think it was a pool and I was swimming. There was something about wristbands, handy wristband with plastic coins attached to it, so we wouldn't need a real coin to open and close our lockers.

Don't remember about the swimming. A pity, 'cause stuff happened.

And then the ex turns around and comes inside, wearing a uniform of a guy who works in, I don't know what it's called, guarding the building. As a guard! A safety guard! Which was so weird, 'cause he was some big manager in the fitness world and this is just nothing like him.

Again, with the ex...

I got out of class and on the streets I see my ex's best friend. He sees me too. But we don't say anything. I start walking and see my ex. I catch up with him. We walk together. I try to grab his hand. He doesn't want that. I put my hand in his coat pocket. He does want that. I don't know if we talk or just walk and communicate while thinking.

We're in a hallway, I think it's the building where I teach. We talk. I explain again why I feel it's unnecessary to break up like this. I explain how we can try and feel our way into the (pregnant) situation. This part I remember most about the dream: he's touched. He's warm. He's emotional. And he rests his head against my chest. And that feels so good.

Then I have to go, I have a class to teach. I get in the elevator which goes way too slow and then gets stuck. I need help getting out and blame the elevator on arriving late for class.

Substitute

In my last dream I was sitting across from my ex lover. He tells me this weekend they're going to Princesa 23 for a night of free finger food and electronic music. He says I should come. I want to. But do I? Do I want to be there and not being able to be the girl to him I was for the last seven months? Do I want to be there having to keep a distance?
I ask him if he already found a substitute. If he's fucking someone else, someone else special. (From my spectator's view outside the dream I think to myself it's a stupid question, because he would never answer that in real life.) We look each other in the eye, I read doubt. He doesn't know whether to tell me the truth or not. If he isn't, he doesn't know whether to tell me the truth or hurt me to create distance. If he is, he doesn't know whether to lie to spare me or tell me the truth. And the answer is... 'I have. I am seeing someone else.'
It's a blow in my face. I feel him looking at me, expecting me to cry, shout maybe. But all I say is 'Wow. Did not expect that.' I try to contain my emotions and think to myself that I need to get the hell out of that appartment.

Then there was an earlier dream with a lot of snow and mountains and also the ex, something about a search or fleeing, but I can't remember the themes nor the story.

Pregnant

According to the pregnancy test I did in my dream last night, I score a 16, which means I'm very pregnant. Also it said it's a boy and I'll give birth in 32 weeks...

Let's see if dreams really do come true, since I found out only two weeks ago that I am actually pregnant!

At the beach

Last night I went to the beach. All I remember are fragments.

Samantha from Sex & the City lying next to me. She was my friend. Telling me to pull up my top, don’t I want to get tanned?

My ex-lover on another beach on the Costa Brava. I realize we’re on a beach way up north. I want to go where he is.

Couples nearby. At one point I see various couples behind some trees making out, kissing. Two boys see them. They run away, come back with their mobile phones. They take pictures to show to the police, ‘cause making out in public is forbidden.

My mom. On the beach. Telling me about her new job in Spain. Every week she will be travelling to Spain, so we’ll be seeing a lot of each other. I ask her about the flight, but no, she’s going to catch a ride from a friend of hers who lives in Utrecht. They will leave on Monday to go to Spain and then go back on Friday night. And I think to myself: maybe someday I’ll catch a ride with them to spend a weekend in Holland.

Dream cheat

Blur, then a locker room, showers, one big space with several showers. Mixed showers. Looking for soap. Bottles everywhere, I forgot mine. I check all the bottles around, but they contain body lotion, not soap. I find soap. I run into an ex-fling, in the shower. We greet each other, talk a little, he starts kissing me, I don't like it. I tell him how to kiss me, to not just open his mouth and stick in his tongue, but gently grab my lips with his, explore rather then overtake. And then it's really nice. His friends are there. Some kind of party going on, no no, nothing sexual.

More blur.

Then I get to the parking garage where my car is and I see S's mobile phone. S is my current lover, not boy friend. Love without strings, hard as that might be sometimes. Anyway, his phone. It's been there for a week now. He hasn't told me he missed it. Should I go through his messages? NO!! But then yes I want to. And I do. I see messages from all sorts of people, other girls. And then I see another phone. In my dream he suddenly has another. It's bigger. (The same as the new one my roommate came back with last night.) There's one message that he sent to a girl: Me gusta mucho estar contigo. I love being with you. It was sent January 6. He's dream cheating on me...

Blur.

Date with an ex boyfriend and surgery

In one dream I had a date with my ex boyfriend, the one who I decided to change countries for. All of a sudden he showed up at the doorstep of wherever I was at that time. He looked fantastic, wore a beautiful suit. We went outside and he took my hand, which I thought was strange considering the amount of years we hadn't seen each other nor talked to one another. But it felt nice. He was talking about his motor cycle as we walked through the snow. He had a motor cycle, which is sooo not like him, and we were going on it for a ride. And then there was something with a wall where we had to pass by first and do something, but I don't remember that.

Then there's my last dream. Also blurry, but I was in the hospital for surgery. They were going to take my appendix out. I had a big bed, a double one. Had a double blanket. The doctor was young (and cute) and very friendly. I asked about where they were going to cut. At some point two new people arrived and they sat right on the head end of the bed. I remember being worried a little about the doctor being young and a resident. I remember them giving me food. Later in the dream eating myself and suddenly thinking if that was even allowed with surgery coming up. Bu then there was some logic to it, because the food would help them see where to cut.

Meryl Streep

I have to start doing that thing everything knows you should do when it comes to dreams: WRITE THEM DOWN AS SOON AS YOU WAKE UP!

I forgot almost everything from last night's dream, but the thing that stuck? Here goes:

I'm watching a scene where I and no one other than Meryl Streep are lying in a bed, fully clothed, mind you. We're in a cosy room, probably the only one in the building, 'cause it's a hospital. She's telling me about pulling jokes and getting back at people you dislike. She's wearing a (sometimes visible, sometimes not) diaper and tells me I should do the same and then weep. Weep. 'You know how to weep, don't you?' she asks...

The girl looking at the scene, me, is wondering why so much emphasis is put on the word weep and I realize I like it.

Meryl says: 'Not cry, weep.' But the meaning in the dream doesn't have to do with shedding tears, weeping means peeing. We need to pee in our diapers, and in order to do that we laugh. And then we should take off our diapers and put them in bed, at their feet, of the one person we very much dislike.

Something I remember thinking is that Meryl Streep looked great and that she was such a great actress.

New breasts

There was a train I had to catch, to somewhere... I walked down the stairs towards the open door of the wagon... The whole scene seemed to be set at the grotesque entrance of my old high school. And it all had to do with where I was going: some clinic (I guess) where i was going to get new breasts. I only found out the 'why' of the new boobs after it was done.

I saw myself without breasts and the 'oldish' doctor put my new ones on. They were big. As big as my original ones. 'Why did you give me the same ones, I wanted smaller ones!'

He then took one of the old ones, which looked like an implant. He grabbed tweezers and started plucking the filling out: wool, plush. As if it were a stuffed animal. And that's when he showed me something that looked like a bug. Like a plush bug. 'This is the tumor,' while removing it from the triangular tit. 'And this is how I see it's not spread.'

But all I worried about were my new breasts he was sowing to my chest. I wanted them to be smaller, without stretchmarks.

There was so much more, but I don't remember...